Composition
English 1010
This class will teach me to write professionally, through essays and peer review.
Reflection Paper
The assignment was a choice of writing about a memory from the past, a photo, or a literary critique. I chose memory from the past. This was very personal for me, as I underwent a heart transplant and decided to write about that. I learned how a college paper needed to be written and I also learned that I really need to focus on all 5 senses when writing a paper.
Reflections of the Past
English 1010
Cauleen Hansen
8-27-2010
A Change of Heart
The first words I hear as I come up out of the darkness: “Cauleen. It's mom.” My eyes slowly open, and my mom comes into focus on my left. A squeeze of my hand. “Hi, honey.” I look to my right and see my boyfriend, his face lighting up at my awakening. I go to raise my arms to hug my mom. I look down in confusion and see that I am strapped to the bed (for my safety). I didn't know it yet, but the doctors had put me in a medically induced coma. I had been in the darkness for several days.
I believe it really began several years ago, when I was working at Target. I was so tired all of the time and unable to concentrate on my tasks and the order they needed to be done. I chalked it up to the weird hours I worked, from 4am to noon. I had been born with an enlarged heart, and the doctors recommended I not do strenuous exercise, but I thought I was fine. I wasn't. I was in the early stages of heart failure, and I had no clue.
Fast forward a few years later. I am working 8 to fourteen hour shifts at Tacotime. It is my first job working fast food, and I am enjoying it. The work is easy, the pay is good, and I like my bosses and coworkers. I even have benefits! I am living with my boyfriend and have three wonderful dogs. Life is good. But there is a slight problem. I am having some trouble breathing at night. I start having to sleep slightly elevated. My pants are fitting tighter. 'Too much Tacotime food,' I think. I continue to work full -and over-time. I start having to elevate myself more and more in bed. I finally decide to see a doctor about the breathing problems. I'm thinking weight gain or pneumonia, which I have had several times before.
The doctor evaluates me, but doesn't really say much. He tells me I'm retaining fluid and prescribes diuretics. I don't take them as prescribed, thinking a little fluid is no big deal. It actually was. My heart was failing to pump properly, causing my lungs to fill with fluid. I am still continuing to work. The doctor says he would like to run further testing, could I come to Casper WY, (where he was located, I lived in Rock Springs, WY)? He then said if that was too far, I could go to Salt Lake City, UT to be examined further. I pick Salt Lake. As I wait for the day of my appointment to arrive, my breathing worsens. Sleeping becomes almost impossible and walking gets harder. I am wheezing like crazy, and my clothes get even tighter.
I report for work the day before my appointment, fulling intending to work a full 8 hour (or longer) shift. I am chopping fresh tomatoes and making sauces. The smell of breakfast burritos is in the air. I am also really tired. I can hardly breathe. When my boss comes in 3 hours after my shift starts, I immediately apologize to her and tell her I am unable to finish my shift. My body feels like it is made out of iron, it is so heavy-feeling. Every breath is more labored than the last. My boss agrees and tells me to go home and get some rest. It would be my last day there.
The next day, driving directions in hand, my boyfriend and I head out for Salt Lake. There isn't much time to enjoy the sights, the main focus is getting to the hospital. The doctors greet me and begin to run some tests. Then they put me in a private hospital room and run even more tests. I let them know to be upfront with me, let me know what's going on. At this point, I think, 'I have pneumonia, they'll run a few tests and I'll be home for dinner.' Later that afternoon, the doctors file in. “You have twenty pounds of fluid on you. We need to get that out of your body. You have severe heart failure, you need to move up here so we can begin treatment right away. If we can't get your heart back on track, you may have to get a heart transplant.” I never went back home.
Several months pass. My boyfriend and I had to give up the home we were living in, the pets we had, the jobs we worked at. Our whole lives had to be started anew with the diagnosis. The doctors put me on a strict low-salt diet and an exercise program. I went from working a full time job to applying for Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare. The doctors told me I was not to work at all,no matter how simple the job may be. My heart simply would not keep up with the demands that work would place upon it. I undergo a procedure to have a pacemaker installed in case my heart would fail. It would, they said, hopefully keep me going long enough to call 911. Finally, I am given the news, right before the Christmas holiday: my heart was showing very little improvement. I was going on the heart transplant list.
April 14th,2007: I carry a beeper with me everywhere I go, as I have for a few months now. I know, the moment the beeper goes off, it will be a life-changing moment for me. When that beeper went off, I hollered to my boyfriend, “They may have found me a heart!” I grab up my pre-packed suitcase, give my mom a quick call, and head up to the hospital. The medical team is excited. They have ran several tests, and the results look good. They believe they have found a good match, hopefully a heart that won't be attacked by my body. More tests confirm: the heart is good, they are going to remove my heart and replace it with the donor heart.
I lay in my hospital bed, the night before the transplant. I am full of hope, worries, doubts, fears, concerns. My primary heart doctor stands outside the door, cracking jokes, trying to make me laugh and relax. I am listening to Rob Zombie on my CD player, the same two songs over and over again, trying to calm myself: Living Dead Girl and More Human Than Human. My thoughts keep churning in my head, tumbling over and over each other like waves on an ocean.
Eventually, my thoughts turn, naturally, to death. I wonder if this night will be my last night on Earth. I find myself at peace with whichever way it happens to turn out. I think of memories from the past, what happened recently, and if I will have any future memories, or if this is to be the last one I will ever have. I think of the family that donated the heart.
I lie awake for a long time that night, thinking that I will never be able to fall asleep. How does one sleep the night before obtaining a new heart? Eventually, though, exhaustion takes me and carries me away. I have no dreams that I remember; and then, the first words I hear as I come up out of the darkness: “Cauleen. It's mom.”